Holistic sex and relationship coach Kim Anami got into the nitty-gritty on why most people are underf–ked during a recent interview with podcast host Ellen Fisher.

Anami is well known for her insights on sex and intimacy. She fuses Tantra, Taoism, psychology, philosophy, and her own experiences to coach people through the harder parts of sexual empowerment and fulfillment. Her courses include The Well F–ked Woman, the Coming Together Couple Salon, the Sexy Mama Salon, Sexual Mastery for Men, and her signature course, Vaginal Kung Fu, which returned this month.

Anami began the podcast by talking about why this topic is important. “In most of the civilized world, there’s so much taboo and shame and trauma that’s overlaid on top of our sexual expression,” she said. “Most people have a very distorted and traumatic relationship to their sexuality.” She said teaching people how to reclaim their sexuality by seeing it as a healthy and energizing force in their lives can help them recover from these traumas. “Often the thing that we’re avoiding might be the medicine that we really need to heal.”

For Anami, sex is more than just an act between partners: it’s a deeply intuitive energy source that most people aren’t tapping into consciously. “It’s our natural free energy—the best, the biggest, free energy source we have in the universe. And we have it literally at our fingertips. Yet, for so many people, it can feel like it’s miles and miles and miles and bodies away from them,” she said.

The podcast discussed how unhealthy stigmas around sex often fall most heavily on women, who are often taught they should partake in sexual acts solely to please men. As a result of this idea, women have an unhealthy vision of their sexuality, which is further distorted by societal labels that define women based on their sexual history. “Women are either sluts or they’re virgins, and there doesn’t really exist this happy medium where women can be healthy, voracious, empowered, sexual beings. And that’s the middle ground that I teach,” Anami said.

Instead of seeing gender differences as an impediment, Anami argues partners should learn how to embrace them. “The woman is really practicing opening and surrendering and the man is really reinforcing that he’s worthy of that surrender,” she said. In doing this, Anami said couples can learn how to make space for each other, which will help them more fully address their partner’s sexual needs.

Better sex comes with practice for all genders. For women, it might require vaginal-strengthening exercises with tools like a jade egg. For men, it might require breathing practices to build stamina and learn how to have slower, more fulfilling orgasms. But no matter what, Anami said better sex requires openness and time from partners committed to understanding and exploring each other. “You never have any pressure or rush and you can just be with each other and let those things unfold.”

As people become more attuned to their partner’s sexual energy, Anami said they’ll also learn how to keep it at a simmer when needed. This often requires patience to build a capacity for more pleasure over time. In practice, it means partaking in small, sensual acts throughout the day that don’t always end in sex. “You’re keeping that energy lifted, keeping it alive between you,” she explained.

She added it could also mean being openly loving and affectionate to all parts of their partner’s body, including their genitals. “That really helps you to open up when you’re in the bedroom as well, because you truly feel seen and loved and cherished. It’s very powerful.”

When people start to practice more conscious, energizing sex, she said they often start to feel its effects in other parts of their lives as well. “The big barometric question I ask people is: Does your sex life make you feel rejuvenated, energized, transformed, and like it changed your life? And if it doesn’t, that means you’re doing it wrong,” Anami said.